7 reasons not to mess with children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children h ad all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples the nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want God is watching the apples.'


It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!' That
person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not
American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!!!!!!!


IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy, There's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

Now, that's funny!

Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ' You're
really doing great, aren't you? '

Percy replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'

that was cute do you think Percy will like it lol

quote:

Originally posted by jbnww:
Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ' You're
really doing great, aren't you? '

Percy replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'

Cute!!!
See what happens when you call people stupid!!!

Oh, it was so painful! I actually had to click an extra button to come find this thread. I think I'm out of energy now, and my time's been wasted sortin' through all them games. LOL Here's another joke for ya'll!


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before
you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Signs You're Getting Older
1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.

3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

5. Your children begin to look middle aged.

6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

15. Your back goes out more than you do.

17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

26. You are proud of your lawn mower.

27. Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

28. You call Olan Mills before they call you.

29. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

30. You sing along with the elevator music.

31. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

32. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

33. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

34. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

35. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

36. You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.

37. Neighbors borrow your tools.

38. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

39. You have a dream about prunes.

40. You answer a question with, "because I said so."

41. You send money to PBS.

42. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

43. You take a metal detector to the beach.

44. You wear black socks with sandals.

45. You know what the word "equity" means.

46. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

47. Your ears are hairier than your head.

48. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

49. You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").

50. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment.

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse?

"A female horth." Replied the midget.

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapths I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is, I can cure your headaches. The bad news is, that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for but he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street,he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
"Let's see. size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said,"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop,and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head,"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine,and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's
thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the
texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and
what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking
for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned
myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the
thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took
pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me
with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing
to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and
me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!