I guess you read mountain wings this a.m. too, mcgonser!

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

very cute jbnww, i emailed it to my friends

The Old Golfer

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

Greatest bumper sticker ever !!

"I'll keep my God, my freedom, my guns, and my money.
You can keep THE CHANGE".

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more

WHY SENIORS BREAK THEIR HIPS


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYv2aHhv07w&eurl=http://...ture=player_embedded

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS REVISITED

From the law firm of Solitary, Nasty, Brutish, and Greedy

Dear Sir:

In reference to your unique, but rather bizarre, gifts to my client, I am forced to tell you that I will be asking for a restraining order from the local judge. You have no idea of the chaos your lame brained idea has created.

First of all, the twelve drummers drumming and the eleven pipers piping are keeping the neighbors awake and there have been numerous complaints about all the noise (in addition to the fact that my client's neighbors do not like to hear fife and drum marches at 3 AM), the 23 alleged musicians play off-key, aggravating an already discordant situation.

This has prompted at least two calls to the local police and one case before a local judge which will be heard the fifth of next month. It turns out one of the drummers is very testy about criticism and one of the policemen turned out to be a very caustic music critic.

The nine lords-a-leaping, while acrobatic, are also off-target. One of the leaping lords, while attempting a triple somersault and a double axle, landed on one of my client's neighbors, precipitating a great deal of embarrassment and also a hernia operation (the neighbor is recovering nicely and the doctor says he will be out of the hospital next week). He is, however, suing my client for medical expenses as well as for emotional distress. He believes he needs extensive psychiatric treatment, claiming the holidays have been spoiled for him because he now suffers from Lordaphobia (i.e. fear of leaping lords landing on you). The disease, he claims, is particularly acute during the Christmas season (Lords, one assumes, have less bizarre landing patterns during the summer and fall months). He may have strong cause, even if he did not have a strong truss.

As for the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The neighbors claimed the above-mentioned animals are not household pets, so having them at the residence constitutes a violation of zoning laws. Their complaints have been forwarded to the local zoning commission.

The eight maids-a-milking are comely but I won't mention what the cows have done to the yard.

In addition, two pipers are currently in jail stemming from a dispute over one of the more well-endowed maids. One piper, piqued at her playing another piper's piccolo, poked his fellow musician, whereupon both pummeled each other with their piccolos until police threw them into the pokey.

I will not drag this out but, as for the French hens, agriculture officials have testified that they are indeed French, but said you did not get the proper permits to have them brought into the country. Neither did you get them proper immunization procedures; consequently, they have infected the four calling birds which, at last count, were down to two, and one of those looked rather sickly.

It must also be noted that any ornithologist could have told you that French hens and turtle doves do not get along, and it is not recommended that they stay in the same ten-mile radius, much less the same house. Neighbors are claiming that all this activity has dropped their property values and have threatened to sue my client, who, in turn, is inquiring if mafia hit-men do independent jobs. If so, she wants to give them your name. I have suggested she hold off until I could contact you, and legally tell you to KNOCK IT OFF. Only someone with the cranial capacity of an artichoke would do anything this stupid!

Christmas Story... When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as

fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed

Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about

to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows

where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy

bag fell to the ground and all the thousands of toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider

and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug,

and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went

to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it

open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I

have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree….