YA'LL ARE TOO FUNNY!!!!!!

If you can not read this, pull the outer corners of your eyes back towards your ears!

Psychiatric Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She
shouted to him, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
"You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground
elevation of 2346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes
north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a
Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you
told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a
Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are
or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but,
somehow, now it's my fault."

Im democrat, but that is funny. lol

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 120 mph, then 130, then 140. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
> > couple of bottles of Budweiser.
> >
> > The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum
> > police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!"
> >
> > Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
> > drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
> > foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat."
> > "What fer?" asked Bubba.
> >
> > "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
> >
> > Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put
> > the labels on each of their foreheads.
> > When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys ya'll
> > been drinkin'?"
> >
> > "No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and Bubba's on
the
> > Patch."
> >

Subject: Uncork The Bottle



TURN UP SOUND

Click the cork to open the bottle.......

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/ilike.html

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

BIRTHDAY REMINDER =

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turns 34.

Can you believe it ?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on
her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

Now that's funny!

ESTATE PLANNING

Dave was a single guy living at home with his father and working in
the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to
share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. Impressed,
the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his
stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

SAVING THE EASTER BUNNY JOKE
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished.He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a*s kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullsh*t and A*s kissing that will put you over the top.




A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20b ills falling out of your bag '

Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '$20, or off it comes.''

Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'



There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nudewoman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a
hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it
again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head."


----------------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down ? ? Finally,the guys' side of the story. We always hear ' the rules ' from the female side. ? Now here are the rules from the male side.
*** Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports---It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is nor do we care.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football or golf. (Hunting and fishing for some of you)
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!!!





Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I! said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!



A man boarded an airplane and
took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he
blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next
to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain
his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use
information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths
are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular
myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover
with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman
became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto
Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of
her rocker and begins to put on her coat. what are you doing? he asks, going to the doctor, she replys. what for? he asks, she says,,, well if your going to use that old rusty thing,,, then i'm getting a tetnus shot.

Those were all pretty funny. thanks.