TWO OLD LADIES!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
'Who drives you to the beach?'

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

THREE OLD LADIES

Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years
past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

Cow Sense
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination.

On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.

"Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Help
One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied,

"It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

My dear old Uncle sent this to me. So I thought I'd share it with you.

I've often been asked beautiful, "what do you old guys do now that you're retired?"
Well, I have a friend who has a chemical background and one of the
things we enjoy doing together is turning beer, wine, and whiskey into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it!!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed
reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....


WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers? '
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my golf clubs?'
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: '****.'

I got word from my Dear Uncle. It seems he know Snow White. This is what he told me about her. "Hey Beautiful! I have word from Snow White! Here is what she told me."

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine

early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed

home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare

their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,
she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began
calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs

had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'



Just as she was about to give up all hope,
she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing....

'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...

Finish What You Start
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

I Love The Amish

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down And drinking from his farm pond.The Amish farmer shouts:

'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'

(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have defecated in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back:

'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'

The Amish farmer yells: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

Sentimental Golfer
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

Jim,
I see that you read the same jokes I do.

ArcaMax! I have no idea how I got on their mailing list, but I like the jokes.

Thats ok boys I'm still here dearie. Its my ture I do believe now. Move over you two let me try this one dearie.

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."