LOL!

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

My turn again I guess!

A clergyman is walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and I'll give you a hand"?

"No, thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again, the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer. "He's under the load of hay."

Justice Served?
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he
said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed
uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney
Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits!

Well I'll be! An honest Judge after all! giggles

He sure is and I found it on the internet so it has to be true.

giggles Olegoat you are one of my favorites dearie.

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician "Doctor", the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset
because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. " This can't be, families on
both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"WELL," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"WELL, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust!!"

The Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

LOL! Good one, olegoat!

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton


and Queen Elizabeth


die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.



Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,



shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel,


but, even in Heaven, a royal flush


beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

ROTFLMAO!!

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.??After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and said in a frail voice,



"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."?

Little ole lady's know what they are talking about! Don't they Olegoat dearie ?giggles

I do believe you are right. Some can speak from experience and others by the mistakes they made.

All in all, we can learn from the wisdom of the wise little ole ladies.

Haven't heard it put this way before, but it's a great analogy. I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the ****... It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone not born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Now I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the Canadian/American Flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the ****.....................................