A Night In Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Blondes In Heaven

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:



IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?



IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?



IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU



IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?



IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?



IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!



YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE

To Think so Fast

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle
from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints.'

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in
the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got
it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I
ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked
it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk
by the shoulders and looks him square in the eyes and
says...................
'Grandpa....... Go home! You're drunk!'

AARP Tips: Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore ... under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you a re done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly ... wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Seriously? Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out
Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others are only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's testicles.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says "You idiot! ....You're sitting on the mop bucket"

WISDOM- FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL






'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' -
U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me .'
U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
----------- - --- ------ --------- -------- -
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop &n bsp;
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------ -- ------- --------- ---------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane
you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- ------- -- ---------
'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

'Why is it doing that?'
'Where are we?'
And
'Oh S...!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- - '

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime .'
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If some thing hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Louisville bartender

A man walked into a bar in Lousiville , Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar, watching TV, one of the political ads ran. After it finished playing, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary Clinton is a horse's ass!" The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the face, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himselfup and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know that this was Hillary country."

"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country."

Priceless, olegoat!

The other day my neighbor, who happens to be blonde, came running up to me in

the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly
but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up

and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying

for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, what do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said.... (You're going to love this!) 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

God help her baby!


What about me Jim Huston?

T.L., you know I love you and your funnies, but olegoat's list reminded me of some personal experiences, is all.

That's why I posted them. I thought someone besides myself could relate to at least some of them.