I think we really need this. Helps unwind after a bad day. Wonder haw many pages this thing will grow to?

I'll start:

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly,
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a micro chip under my arm." A few
minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a
micro chip in my hand." The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not
to be outdone he decided he had to do something as impressive. He
stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a
piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their
eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said..."Well, will you
look at that, I'm getting a fax."

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

Things That I Learned In the Military

The only thing more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

Remember: Your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of the unit.

Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you.

You are NOT Tom Cruise.

SAMs and AAA have the right of way.

If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down IS NOT a good idea.

Smart bombs have Bad Days too.

The best defense is to stay out of range.

If you are short of everything but enemy, you are in combat.

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.

The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!"

3 Old Guys

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit
on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every ! morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00

This one is so not current but it cracks me up everytime I hear it in my head....

Do you know what Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorena Bobbitt?

You gonna eat that?

quote:

Originally posted by notsureifimstayin:
This one is so not current but it cracks me up everytime I hear it in my head....

Do you know what Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorena Bobbitt?

You gonna eat that?

OH NO!! That's funny! here's another one:


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands
free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in
the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we
wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss
their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you
indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would
never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could
not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

A U.S. Army squad was marching north of Basra
when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly
injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American
soldier in similar but less serious state. The soldier
was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the injured soldier
what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving
north along the highway here, and coming south was
a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife,
scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a
good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like
a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by
yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the
road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

One day I died and went to Heaven. I was walking around on the
streets of Gold when I ran into ZZT. ZZT was walking around with
this butt-ugly woman following him everywhere.

I said, "ZZT, Why do have this butt-ugly woman following you everywhere?".
ZZT replied, "I cheated on my tax returns and this my punishment.".

Well I continued walking down the streets of gold and ran into Dems. Dems was
also walking around with a butt-ugly woman following him everywhere.

I said, "Dems, Why do have this butt-ugly woman following you everywhere?".
Dems replied, "I cheated on my tax returns and this my punishment.".

Well I continued walking down the streets of gold and low and behold I
ran into Pate. Pate was also walking around with a woman following him,
but this woman was drop dead gorgeous.

So I said, "Pate, Why do have this gorgeous woman following you everywhere?".
but before Pate could respond she replied, "I cheated on my tax returns ...".

A man driving a car approaches a four way stop sign. He slows down, looks both ways, and runs the stop sign. A cop comes up behind him, with his blue lights on, and pulls the driver over. The cop says, "didn't you see that stop sign you just run through?". The driver says, "well, I slowed down, looked both ways, didn't see anyone, what's the difference between slowing down and stopping" The cop reaches down and grabs his billy club, and starts beating the driver repeatedly upside his head, and then says, "now tell me, do you want me to slow down or stop?".