When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

Jonah and the Whale

One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.

Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."

Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."

These are really funny?

They tickled me! Thanks broron.

A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale bar/ lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up--fireman, mechanic,businessman,

salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he
replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret

and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and

they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer
is really good, he will go home with some guy for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly
set the other children to work on some exercises and
then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your
father?" "No ," the boy said, "He works for the Democrat National Committee
and is helping to secure the 2008 nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

accident


Well, Your Honor, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.

Now, THAT is funny!!!

Pair of jumper cables go into a bar and orders a beer.
Bar Tender says, "O.K. I will serve you as long as you don't start anything."

Three ropes go into a bar and order a beer. Bartender throws them out, says, "get out, we don't serve ropes in this bar." They go off sulking, one says, "wait, I can solve this.." takes out his pocket knife and frazzles up his top end, then flipps it all around tightly into a fixed position....says, "watch me now"...strides back into the bar. Bartender looks suspiciously at this stranger...says.."hey you, we don't serve ropes in this bar...aren't you a rope?" To which, the cheeky rope says, "Nope, I'm a fraid not."

Ha, Ha, Ha! Good one indeed!

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?”

An Engineer in Hell

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A Movie Bet

Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff. One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he rides over the cliff." The other said, "Your on!"

Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I already have seen the movie." The other fella replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie before ... but I didn’t think he’d do it again!"

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."


Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.





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