Three blondes decided they would apply for the FBI. Their applications were accepted pending a simple identification test.

FBI Agent pushed a picture of a felon in front of the first blonde and asked, "What do you see?"

Blonde Number 1 replyed, "I see a guy with only one eye."

FBI Agent replyed, "You obviously are not qualified, this is a profile of a person. Of course you see only one eye!"

Blonde Number 2 takes her turn with the same scenario. FBI Agent slips profile of known felon infront of her and asks, "What do you see?"

Blonde Number 2 says, "The guy has only one ear!"

FBI Agent says, "You are NOT qualified for this program, this is a profile, he has two ears AND two eyes!"

Frustrated the FBI Agent asks for Blonde Number 3 to enter interview room and have a seat, which she does. FBI Agent pushes photo of known felon in front of last interviewee and immediately she says, "He definitely wears contact lenses!"

FBI Agent stunned at this remarkable exercise of acute observation says, "How do you know this? That is exactly correct. How did you come to this judgement so quickly? You just might be the person we are looking for!"

Blonde Number 3 says, "Well, he only has one eye and one ear, there is no way glasses will stay on his head, he MUST wear contacts!"

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment before asking 'Where's my toast ?'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

TEXAN JOINING A CHURCH

An old Texan went to the local church and asked to join. The preacher said,
'OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first.'

The first Question is 'Where was Jesus born?' The man answered ,'Longview.'

The preacher said. 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'

Soooooo....he went to another church and asked to join. The preacher said, 'We would love to have you, but you have to pass a Bible test first. Where was Jesus born?' The man said. 'Tyler.' The preacher said, 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'

Soooo....he goes to another church and asks, to join.

The preacher said, 'That's great; we welcome you with open arms.'

The man said, 'I don't have to pass no Bible test first?' The preacher said, 'No.'

The man said, 'Can I ask you a question?'

The preacher said, 'Sure.'

The man said, 'Where was Jesus born ?'

The preacher said, 'Palestine.'

The man mumbled to himself, 'I knew it was in East Texas somewhere.'

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for the lesson, I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week at the beginning of the class, the teacher said, "Now all who have prepared for today’s lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please come to the front." Half the class stood up and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk speak to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark!"

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty '

The Nitty Gritty Dictionary.....



ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

What did the vegetable Preacher say to his Church?
Lettuce pray!

My Forum

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

I'm sorry !

Biggest Joke of the Day...Hill Billy McGee

George Carlin's New Rules For 2008



New Rule #1:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule #3:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this (JUNK) at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5:
Stop sc**wing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a*s will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**ho*e. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge a**ho*e.

New Rule #7:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a** and it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You 're not spiritual. You 're just high.

New Rule #9:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too da*ned exciting. What's next, competitive f**ting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule #10:
I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #11:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #12:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

HARD TO STOMACH
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.

Finally they guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!"

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear the rules From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as Football or NASCAR.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.