that was funny !!!

AND, just a thought for all the men out there....... .

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,

MENopause... .......

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?........ .And

When women have real trouble it's HISterectomy! !!!

***Is the English language on women's side or what?

Conspiracy

This is fun

Getting old, are we? Reflexes slowing down?
As I remember, the automobile driving manual

Says the average driver's reaction time is:

.75 seconds -or- 1 car length for every 10 mph...
! Test your reaction time with this special test.

Click here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

This will drive you crazy for a while.

I got the *Bobbing Bob Cat level at my third try, not bad, not bad at all!!

Try it yourself, let us know if forum readers need to:
-cheer you up
-encourage you
-pray for you!

I'm a sluggish snail

The Nerd Test

How nerdy are You? Take this test

School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Signs You're Getting Older

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.

3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

5. Your children begin to look middle aged.

6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

15. Your back goes out more than you do.

17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

26. You are proud of your lawn mower.

27. Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

28. You call Olan Mills before they call you.

29. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

30. You sing along with the elevator music.

31. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

32. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

33. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

34. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

35. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

36. You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.

37. Neighbors borrow your tools.

38. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

39. You have a dream about prunes.

40. You answer a question with, "because I said so."

41. You send money to PBS.

42. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

43. You take a metal detector to the beach.

44. You wear black socks with sandals.

45. You know what the word "equity" means.

46. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

47. Your ears are hairier than your head.

48. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

49. You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").

50. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Church Humor Thought this would bring a smile to your face

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the
lady.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a
note under the windshield wi per that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner o f the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"
said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry
about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's
the same in my business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his
father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands
for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson
was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's us all pray now:
"Lord, Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get
some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk."

"Babysitting? Be aware"

One day my mother was out and my dad was in
charge of me and my brother who is four years
older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half
years old and had just recovered from an
accident in which my arm had been broken
among other injuries. Someone had given
me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy
was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news and my brother was playing
nearby in the living room when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was
just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea,
my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait
in the living room to watch me bring him
a cup of tea, because it was 'just the
cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches
him drink it up............. then says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only
place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet??'

Smile ;#

The Plop

There was once a Canadian bird who decided he didn’t want to fly south for the winter. He decided it was nonsense to go all the way down south when he could just stay right where he was at. So he stayed behind. Well after awhile, it got kind of cold. Finally, he could take it no more and decided to fly south after all. As he was flying through the air, ice began to form on his wings to the point where he could no longer fly so he glided down and landed in a barnyard.

So here is the bird, he’s half frozen in a barnyard and at the point of death. About that time along comes a cow who walks right over the bird and drops a "plop" on him. Now the bird is really disgusted. He’s half frozen, dying, and now he has this "plop" on him. After a short time though, the ice begins to melt off of the bird. He starts to get warm under that "plop." He begins to think to himself, "It’s getting warm. I’m going to live! I’m going to live!" Then right there underneath that "plop" he starts to sing little bird songs> He’s now happy once again.

About that time a cat comes along and hears this noise coming from underneath this "plop." He moves the stuff off the bird and eats the bird.

There are three morals to the story:

1. Not everyone who drops a "plop" on you is necessarily your enemy
2. Not everyone who moves it off of you is necessarily your friend
3. And if someone does drop a "plop" on you, keep your mouth shut.

New Bell Ringer

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"

..wait for it...

wait for it.....

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, " But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs...... "What as happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

wait for it.......

wait for it

wait for it

........." I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Maybe that is the way to get THE DUNGEON fixed up too! Also, the ceiling tile hanging down from the auditorium at East Side waiting to hit someone when it falls, if it is still there!

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."