Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.



"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."



His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."



"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103 years old!!! He can't help."



"He may be a 103," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."



So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"



"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."



"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.



"I don't remember."

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Offi cer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

ONE DAY, WE are all going to just TAKE OVER JACKSONVILLE, and just RUIN the school district...that will show them all....cause
I am just sick of this community!! It did NOTHING for ME....and it owes me BIG TIME.



Now the guy in the lower left is the joke of the day!

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She
wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"
He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a
towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ....." he replied -

OOOH - Now this is going to kill you

OOOOH - You're gonna hate me for this -
but it will make your day!!!

wait for it.....

she sells C cells by the sea shore!"

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog,
ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll
get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't
believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach
the animals how to read!'

'Read! 'says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives but our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing'
around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

quote:

Originally posted by Falsetto:
ONE DAY, WE are all going to just TAKE OVER JACKSONVILLE, and just RUIN the school district...that will show them all....cause
I am just sick of this community!! It did NOTHING for ME....and it owes me BIG TIME.



Now the guy in the lower left is the joke of the day!

Who is he??

Why, that would be Mr. McCown at JHS in 1973.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

stc

www.minnesotaoutside.net
www.minnesotaoutside.blogspot.com

Church

A couple was having their Sunday morning breakfast when the wife went to get her Sunday church clothes on. When she returned, the husband was still in his bathrobe.

"Aren't you going to church this morning?" asked the wife.

"No, I'm not going this morning. In fact, I'm not going to church anymore at all."

"What do you mean, we've gone to church for years, so why the change?

He responded, "Look, there are people at that church who don't like me, and frankly, there are people at that church that I don't like, and I'M NOT GOING!"

She answered back, "I'll give you two good reasons why you need to go to church. One, you're 42 years old. Two, you gotta go, you're the preacher."

Goliath's Grief!

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.

Can you figure out how this works?

1) Go to the link below. After reading each window,
click on the boy in
The lower right corner of the picture. That will move you to the next frame.

2) In the last window type in your answer in the
white box using the
Keyboard (there is NO cursor).

3) Watch the paper in the boy's hand. You will be
amazed. And, no, I
don't know how it's done.


http://digicc.com/fido/