No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":


Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."


There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.


Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.


We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."


Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.


Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.


Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.


We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.


One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.


Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.


The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.


We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!

Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald, called "What's the Point?"

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds"?
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home".

"No, I meant what is the foundation of this case"?
It's made of concrete

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge"?
"No, we have carport, and not need one".

I mean, what are your relations like?
"All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player".

"Does your wife beat you up"?
"No, I always up before her".

"Why do you want this divorce"?
"She going to kill me".

"What makes you think that"?
"I got proof".

"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

for those who watch dancing with the stars


How do you get a kleenex to dance?

… Put a little boogey in it.

letter from well known politician:

Re: Free tickets



Hi!


I know it's a long trip, but I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway this weekend in case you'd like a couple of them.


He's going to attempt to jump 500 Liberals/Democrats with a bull-dozer.

John

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have everything."

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bear arms.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in Jacksonville got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

This time the man said, "Nope, sure ain't!"

Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 56 years."

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to
be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to
New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so
great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still
observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!

Reminds me of my favorite hymn:

"Gladly, the cross-eyed bear."

Good Sermon!

After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"

Hilary Clinton had to get rid of all her chickens. They kept saying, "BBBBAAAARRRRAAAAKKKK!!!"