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Old Pro
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Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Educated
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A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under your table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No, he didn’t! He just walked in the door.”
 
Posts: 733 | Location: North Side | Registered: September 09, 2007Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Educated
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Indian Mating Season


Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'he called into the cave and listened

closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.



The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Woo! ooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.'



Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran in to the opening.



The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'



Like the others, he then heard an answering call,

'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.



The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....



' NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN'
 
Posts: 653 | Location: washington | Registered: October 30, 2007Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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A Congressman was once asked about his attitude towards whiskey.

"If you mean that demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts need funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

This is my position, and I will not compromise"
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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Lorraine

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and, after a while, it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and go out with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran smiling and singing...
. . . "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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Four men were bragging
about how smart their dogs were.

One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk,
took out some paper and a pen,
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into four equal piles
of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still.
he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk,
got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet,
ate the cookies, drank the milk,
claimed he had injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for worker' compensation,
and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was brilliant!
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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BOOTS!

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,

"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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This is not a joke per say, it's witty.....I posted it right away before I forgot!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed
their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on
the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about
twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to
return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy
old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly
during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more
agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve
her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her ..

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the
credit card."

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

We can all do our part by remembering to contact at least one
unstable person to show you care.

Well ... I've done my part. Now it's your turn!
 
Posts: 1174 | Location: home | Registered: May 20, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Newcomer
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broron how about church sunday, im ready.
 
Posts: 10 | Location: jacksonville | Registered: July 29, 2008Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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ok !!!!! @ 6 ?
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Newcomer
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can i ware my hat
 
Posts: 10 | Location: jacksonville | Registered: July 29, 2008Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Newcomer
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I dont go for a church that has snakes where are you taken me.
 
Posts: 10 | Location: jacksonville | Registered: July 29, 2008Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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" sissy " Big Grin
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
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Sticks and stones may break my bones but jesus
saved me.
 
Posts: 10 | Location: jacksonville | Registered: July 29, 2008Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
Old Pro
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Falseto
quote:
Because so many East Texans are just tickled to sell their land to anyone that will give them hard cash, the area is a haven for offbeat "religious groups" to establish meeting and teaching grounds. House of Isreal, Bible Church of God, Mormon spinoff Polygamy sects, and now Nigerian pentacostals near Greenville.
Will East Texas become the California land of fruits and nuts to religious fervor??

Nigerian church brings noise, passion to Texas town


08:20 AM CDT on Saturday, June 21, 2008
By SCOTT FARWELL / The Dallas Morning News
sfarwell@dallasnews.com

FLOYD, Texas – John Skinner stands in his rural driveway, defeated.



Thousands of Nigerians gather for Christian revival in Floyd, Texas
06/20/2008

A halo glows over the ink-black night, a bass drum thumps, ecstatic voices rise and fall in the distance. It's 10 p.m.

"When they get going, it goes all night," he said with a whatcha-gonna-do grin. "As long as they're not breaking the law, I have to live with them. I don't have to like it, but I have to live with them."

"Them" for Mr. Skinner and many of his neighbors are Nigerians – thousands and thousands of Nigerians.

Each June, members of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, Africa's largest and most ambitious Pentecostal denomination, travel from around the world for a slain-in-the-spirit, dance-in-the aisles, shout-at-the-top-of-your-lungs Christian revival in a former cotton field 50 miles northeast of Dallas.

The three-day, three-night service was expected to end at about sunrise today with Holy Ghost-inspired spasms of worship. Between 2,000 and 4,000 people attended each night.


"It's a yearly event, a time for worshipping God and a time to meet with our father in the Lord, Pastor Adeboye," said Bisi Oshinkoyu, who stood Thursday at the mouth of a tent you might see at the State Fair of Texas. She wore a canary-yellow dress printed with a kaleidoscope of colors. The material wrapped her hair, flowed over her shoulders, cinched at the waist and flared to the floor. She carried a tambourine.

Mrs. Oshinkoyu and her husband, Yomi, arrived in East Texas from their home in Raleigh, N.C., by way of Nigeria.

"We're on a mission," she said. "A lot of us feel we've been sent to take America back to where it used to be spiritually."


Why Floyd, Texas?

American and European missionaries fueled the spread of Christianity across Africa in the 1960s and '70s. Since then, many evangelical churches such as RCCG believe Americans have gone astray – their spirituality dimmed by material wealth, their moral convictions blunted by a permissive popular culture.

"Our basic vision is to make heaven and to take as many people with us as possible," the church's leader, Pastor Enoch Adeboye, said this week. "We see light retreating from the darkness here. Something's wrong, and that's why we are here."

But why Floyd? The unincorporated former railroad stop – with an estimated population of 100 – is about 10 miles west of Greenville, a city known for a banner that once hung over Main Street: "The Blackest Land, The Whitest People."

Pastor Adeboye said God spoke to him on a stopover at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport about 20 years ago. He told him to buy land and build a Nigerian-style church camp in Texas. Over the last eight years, the church has spent more than $2 million to purchase about 700 acres and several homes. It has built an elementary-school-size church, poured a parking lot, and hired architects to design Redemption Camp, which is patterned after the church's home base in Lagos, Nigeria.

In coming years, church leaders plan to build a village-type housing development, a manmade lake and maybe even a water park.

"As we begin to establish schools and colleges and other society-related establishments, people will come to know we've come to be a blessing," Pastor Adeboye said.


Freedom vs. respect

Nobody has to convince farmer Bill Waidelich the pastors from RCCG are heaven-sent. They've purchased nearly 300 acres and his ranch-style home over the last five years.

"I have three kids to put through college and two years of droughts when they came along," he said. "It all worked out in a good way – the Lord really took care of me."

Mr. Waidelich acknowledges that some of his neighbors are suspicious of the congregation's plans, concerned about traffic and infuriated by the late-night noise.

"Everybody's always nervous about somebody new in the community, especially if they're racially different," he said. "But that's what America's all about, the freedom to live wherever you want."

But Judy Dillingham, who lives across a creek bed from the campground, said the issue isn't freedom, it's respect.

COURTNEY PERRY / DMN
Seyi Adewale of Houston receives support in the youth ministry tent at The Redeemed Christian Church of God's 12th Annual Convention.
View largerMore photos Photo store During the congregation's biggest events – in June and October – church members have parked in people's driveways, buzzed down rock roads, and strewn trash into ditches. Even with her doors closed and windows down, she can hear the preaching and music until early into the morning.

"They don't live here; they don't care what we go through," she said. "This is like their vacation. This is like Palm Beach at spring break. This is our community; we have to live out here all the time. They don't."

Hunt County sheriff's deputies towed several cars parked along U.S. Highway 380 last year, according to Lt. Brian Alford. The church paid $11,000 to rebuild one road.

Other than a few calls to complain about the noise, this year's conference seemed to go off without a hitch.


Big numbers

Uniformed security guards directed traffic into a massive, lighted cement parking lot. Concession stands offered cold drinks and traditional African dishes of suya – a roasted chicken rubbed with peanut oil – served on white rice.

A 125-member choir, refrigerator-sized speakers and concert-style lighting animated worship in the main hall. One house-sized tent was used for a teenage ministry and another served as a dining room. Child care was provided at the brick-and-mortar church.

By next year, church leaders say, the main tent will be transformed into an auditorium capable of seating 25,000.

Big numbers are a Nigerian thing, members say.

Each December in Lagos, the church hosts the Holy Ghost Conference, which it claims attracts between 4 million and 8 million people. If accurate, it would be the largest gathering of Christians on Earth.

Pastor Adeboye, a mathematics professor before he took over as general overseer of RCCG in 1981, said the church's evangelical ambitions are straight out of the Bible – to bring the gospel to all nations.

"I know in the U.S. when you have a congregation of 50,000 that's a really, really big church," he said. "If people come ... they find that in this organization, the pastors alone number more than 50,000. That will broaden their vision and then together we can believe in God, not just for revival in America, but for revival in the whole world."

Jacob Olupona, who teaches indigenous African religions at Harvard Divinity School, said RCCG's expansion in Texas and around the world will almost certainly continue. The church has 2 million to 5 million members in at least 90 nations.

"What we're seeing is the expansion of their kingdom into North America," he said. "They've been fairly successful recruiting people into the church, and I see them as a part of the larger American religious mosaic. They're no longer just an African church in the United States."



THE REDEEMED CHRISTIAN CHURCH OF GOD
PENTECOSTAL: The Redeemed Christian Church of God, Africa's largest Pentecostal church, has established parishes in at least 90 countries. There are 276 in the United States and 20 in North Texas.

HEADQUARTERS: Lagos, Nigeria

MEMBERSHIP: About 25,000 in the U.S. and 2,500 in North Texas. Worldwide, estimates run from 2 million to 5 million.

REDEMPTION CAMP: The church's 674-acre development in the Hunt County town of Floyd includes an elementary-school-sized church, an outdoor pavilion capable of seating about 10,000 people, several homes and outbuildings. Church leaders envision a sprawling compound that would include schools, a village-style housing development, parks, a manmade lake and possibly a water park.



"hey I want to go to this place sounds great !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Posts: 1031 | Location: "" Packed up,,Prayed up,,Looking up"!! | Registered: March 09, 2006Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
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