Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football..'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

New Government Seal:



Official Announcement:

The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

DANG, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer Support: "No."
Tech Support:"OK.Right Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the OK button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

A woman was in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cooking aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "its OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta her, hang in there."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa."

"Thank, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Johnny."

Two farmers were talking one day and the first farmer said that while you could teach many animals to do tricks and follow commands, it was impossible to teach a pig to do anything. The second farmer replied that with patience and persistence, he could teach a pig to do anything that other pets could do. Farmer #1 said he would wager that you couldn't get a pig to sing no matter how long you tried and Farmer #2 said he would take that wager if he had the time to teach the pig to sing.
Six months later the farmers met again and farmer #1 asked if the pig was singing yet. Farmer #2 said he had spent every afternoon playing music to the pig, followed by repeated sections of songs that he hoped would encourage the pig to sing. He said he had tried many music styles including Jazz, Rock, Rap, Ballards, Love songs, Hip-Hop, and more but couldn't find anything the pig showed interest in. Finally, he said he had given up so he would pay off the wager.
The second farmer accepted the wager and asked if the first farmer had learned anything in the process. Well he replied, the only thing I learned about teaching a pig to sing is that it wastes my time and it irritates the pig! I know what you mean said the second farmer. I learned the same lesson trying to talk politics with Marty H.

quote:

Originally posted by Poppy:
Two farmers were talking one day and the first farmer said that while you could teach many animals to do tricks and follow commands, it was impossible to teach a pig to do anything. The second farmer replied that with patience and persistence, he could teach a pig to do anything that other pets could do. Farmer #1 said he would wager that you couldn't get a pig to sing no matter how long you tried and Farmer #2 said he would take that wager if he had the time to teach the pig to sing.
Six months later the farmers met again and farmer #1 asked if the pig was singing yet. Farmer #2 said he had spent every afternoon playing music to the pig, followed by repeated sections of songs that he hoped would encourage the pig to sing. He said he had tried many music styles including Jazz, Rock, Rap, Ballards, Love songs, Hip-Hop, and more but couldn't find anything the pig showed interest in. Finally, he said he had given up so he would pay off the wager.
The second farmer accepted the wager and asked if the first farmer had learned anything in the process. Well he replied, the only thing I learned about teaching a pig to sing is that it wastes my time and it irritates the pig! I know what you mean said the second farmer. I learned the same lesson trying to talk politics with Marty H.

This is the greatest story I have ever seen. Poppy we need more like this, then we can forget politics for at least two years and maybe even four years if we are lucky before we have to here from Marty H.

Two men got out their cars after they collided at the intersection. One took a bottle from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to clam your nerves."
"Thanks," the second man said, and took a long drink from the container. "Here,you have one, too," he added, handing back the wiskey.
"Well, I'd rather not," the firsr man said. "At least not until after the police have been here."

How do know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?
When you call the front desk and say I got'ta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies " Go ahead!"

And now for a little PUNishment......


1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in Texas. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", one asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Subject: The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Be Happy!
It's a choice.

This is just too cute. Click on the link, and make sure your speakers are on to hear a good version of "Alley Cat!"

TATER PEOPLE. This is for all the SWEET TATERS I know!

Bull's Eye
A farmer doing morning chores saw a pickup truck approach. The driver got out and told the farmer he was a government farm inspector.
He flashed his badge and said "This badge means that I can go anywhere on your farm and look at everything you have here. Do you understand?"
"Go ahead and look at whatever you like," said the farmer. "I'll just finish my chores,"
A short time later, the farmer heard a yell from behind his barn. He went to check and found the government man in a tree. The farmer"s bull was circling on the ground below.
"Get that beast away from me!" the government man shouted at the farmer. "The thing's get me trapped up here!"
"Show him your badge." the farmer said as he left to finish his chores.

After starting a new diet, I changed my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery.
I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there the window was a collection of all my favorite goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I started to pray.
"Lord, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of these delicious goodies, create a parking space for me directly in front of the bakery."
Sure enough, he answered my prayer. On my eighth trip around the block, a space opened up.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder and said something to him.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, almost hit a bus, drove over a curb and stopped just inches from a large plateglass window.
Driver and passengers sat silently for a few moments. Then the driver said "Please don't ever do that again, You scared the living daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was just as frightened as the shaken cab driver, apologized.
"I didn't realize a tap on the shoulder would frighten you so much," the passenger said.
"I'm sorry," said the driver, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. You see, until today, I'd been driving a hearse for 25 years,"

An old women called a furnace repairman, who put oil in the motor and charged her $80 for labor. "But it only took you five minutes!" she exclaimed.
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady replied, handing him a rake.