Questions to Ponder:

1.Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2.Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
3.If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5.Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a “whack”?
6.Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?
7.Why does fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
8.Why do tug boats push their barges?
9.Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
10.Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?
11.Why is it called after dark when it is really after light?
12.Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
13.Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?
14.Why do overlook and oversee mean the same thing?
15.Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16.If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay us to do it?
17.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19.If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21.Why do you press harder on the remote control buttons when you know the batteries are dead?
22.Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23.How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24.Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25.Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26.Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27.Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


***All jokes are intended to be funny, not to hurt or harm.****

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your azz and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a promotion ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you b@stard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

It is nice to hear/see some from the "other side."

I think I know some of those women-I'm not one of them.

From Email
How to spot a deer hunter that's had a DUI.

that is funny

I always wondered what it would feel like to be grown up. When I was a child going to school, this question seemed to be "the icebreaker" as one by one the teacher would make us introduce ourselves to other classmates. By fourth grade, you knew the answer to every kids biography in class. And wondered just why this had to be repeated year after year. Afterall, nothing ever changed in these small southern Minnesota towns.
The "good old days" when kids weren't adults, and adults weren't kids. Respect was given, not something earned...
Awwwwwww...the good ole days...

Men strike back:
The man's answer to Maxine is MAX.

Max says:
How many men does it take to open a beer?
*None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
*A woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know a woman is about to say something smart?
*When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

And finally:
Women will never be equal to men*** until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and STILL think they are sexy.


Being 4 of 5 members of my family are male, I thought I'd print one for their side.

Here is one from a handout given out in one of my classes a few years ago, I hope that I am giving proper citing to the author:

SUZANNE BRITT

SUZANNE BRIIT was born in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and studied at Salem College and Washington University, where she earned an MA in En­glish. She writes a regular column for a newsletter, Authors Ink. Britt has written for Sky Magazine, the New York Times, Newsweek, the Boston Globe, and many other publications. She teaches English part-time at Meredith College in North Carolina and has published a history of the college and two English textbooks. Her other books are collections of her essays: Skinny People Are Dull and Crunchy like Carrots (1982) and Show and Tell (1983).

Neat People vs. Sloppy People

I've finally figured out the difference between neat people and sloppy people. The distinction is, as always, moral. Neat people are lazier and meaner than sloppy people.

Sloppy people, you see, are not really sloppy. Their sloppiness is merely the unfortunate consequence of their extreme moral rectitude. Sloppy people carry in their mind's eye a heavenly vision, a precise plan that is so stupen­dous, so perfect, it can't be achieved in this world or the next.

Sloppy people live in Never-Never Land. Someday is their métier. Some­day they are planning to alphabetize all their books and set up home catalogs. Someday they will go through their wardrobes and mark certain items for ten­tative mending and certain items for passing on to relatives of similar shape and size. Someday sloppy people will make family scrapbooks into which they will put newspaper clippings, postcards, locks of hair, and the dried corsage from their senior prom. Someday they will file everything on the surface of their desks, including the cash receipts from coffee purchases at the snack shop. Someday they will sit down and read all the back issues of The New Yorker.

For all these noble reasons and more, sloppy people never get neat. They aim too high and wide. They save everything, planning someday to file, order and straighten out the world. But while these ambitious plans take clearer and clearer shape in their heads, the books spill from the shelves onto the floor, the clothes pile up in the hamper and closet, the family mementos accumulate in every drawer, the surface of the desk is buried under mounds of paper, and the unread magazines threaten to reach the ceiling.



Sloppy people can't bear to part with anything. They give loving atten­tion to every detail. When sloppy people say they're going to tackle the sur­face of a desk, they really mean. it. Not a paper will go unturned; not a rubber band will go unboxed. Four hours or two weeks into the excavation, the desk looks exactly the same, primarily because the sloppy person is meticulously creating new piles of papers with new headings and scrupulously stopping to read all the old book catalogs before he throws them away. A neat person would just bulldoze the desk.

Neat people are bums and clods at heart. They have cavalier attitudes toward possessions, including family heirlooms. Everything is just another dust-catcher to them. If anything collects dust, it's got to go and that's that. Neat people will toy with the idea of throwing the children out of the house just to cut down on the clutter.

Neat people don't care about process. They like results. What they want to do is get the whole thing over with so they can sit down and watch the rasslin' on TV. Neat people operate on two unvarying principles: Never handle any item twice, and throw everything away.



The only thing messy in a neat person's house is the trash can. The minute something comes to a neat person's hand, he will look at it, try to decide if it has immediate use and, finding none, throw it in the trash.

Neat people are especially vicious with mail. They never go through their mail unless they are standing directly over a trash can. If the trash can is beside the mailbox, even better. AU ads, catalogs, pleas for charitable contri­butions, church bulletins, and money-saving coupons go straight into the trash can without being opened. All letters from home, postcards from Europe, bills, and paychecks are opened, immediately responded to, and then dropped in the trash can. Neat people keep their receipts only for tax purposes. That's it. No sentimental salvaging of birthday cards or the last letter a dying relative ever wrote. Into the trash it goes.

Neat people place neatness above everything, even economics. They are incredibly wasteful. Neat people throwaway several toys every time they walk through the den. I knew a neat person once who threw away a perfectly good dish drainer because it had -mold on it. The drainer was too much trouble to wash. And neat people sell their furniture when they move. They will sell a La- Z~ Boy recliner while you are reclining in it.

Neat people are no good to borrow from. Neat people buy everything in expensive little single portions. They get their flour and sugar in two pound bags. They wouldn't consider clipping a coupon, saving a leftover, reusing plastic nondairy whipped cream containers, or rinsing off tin foil and draping it over the unmoldy dish drainer. You can never borrow a neat person's newspaper to see what's playing at the movies. Neat people have the paper all "added up” and in the trash by 7:05 AM.

Neat people cut a clean swath through the organic as well as the inorganic world. People, animals, and things are all one to them. They are so insensitive. After they've finished with the pantry, the medicine cabinet, and the attic, they will throw out the red geranium (too many leaves), sell the dog (too many fleas), and send the children off to boarding school (too many scuffmarks on the hardwood floors).

Stages of a man's life.

Single


Married


Divorced

REMEMBER THAT DAVE

Something for the sentimental ones!
>
> This should probably be taped to your bathroom
> mirror where one could
> read it everyday.
> You may not realize it, but it's(possibly) 100% true.
>
> 1. There are at least two people in this world
> that you would die for.
>
> 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in
> some way.
>
> 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is
> because they want to be just like you.
>
> 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to
> anyone, even if they don't like you.
>
> 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before
> they go to sleep.
>
> 6. You mean the world to someone.
>
> 7. You are special and unique.
>
> 8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
>
> 9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
> something good comes from it.
>
> 10.When you think the world has turned its back
> on you take another look.
>
> 11. Always remember the compliments you received.
> Forget about the rude remarks.
>
> So...If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone,
> including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back, then they
> really do love you.
>
> And always remember....when life hands you
> Lemons, ask for tequila and salt, and call me over!
>
> Good friends are like stars........You don't always see
> them, but you know they are always there.
>
> "Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another,
> Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
>
> I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend
> while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
>

Olderchick40,
Thank you for explaining my friends to me...I had thought that there was something wrong with me as the house is messy...now I know that I am okay and my friends are not.

One of my friends has a totally orginized, neat house (She has been accused of being anal retentive). Her suggestion to me, when I was laid up with surgery and very bored, was to take one drawer in the kitchen and dump it on a towel on the living room floor. I could then organize it and throw away anything that did not belong in that drawer. She figured that in 1 week I could have my whole kitchen done, cupboards and all.I told her I'd rather play on the internet!!!

I am making a copy of your neat story.

Thank you-I like to post things that others enjoy reading-it explains the difference between me and my mother. Her house could be featured in Better Homes and Gardens on any given day, and I would need at least a weeks notice to "clean and organize" before I would let them in. Some friends of mine had a plaque in their house: "Our house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy." There was another: If you are here it visit, grap a cup of coffee and sit down, but if you are here to inspect make an appt.(or something like that)

The handout was from a writing class and I would like to read the "Skinny People are Dull and Crunchy....."one. The author-Suzanne Britt-sounds like my kind of person!